What She Knows
by JJ Louise
Summary: They'd both died. For a short time, there was no victor to the 74th Hunger Games. In which Katniss and Peeta manage to live after eating the nighlock, and their story takes a different path. Will be AU and some OOC.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note**: For this first chapter, some of the dialogue has been taken from The Hunger Games. Dialogue taken has been italicized. This will be for this first chapter only. After that, things will move differently from the books. Thanks for reading!

* * *

They both know the Capitol has to have a victor.

"_Trust me._" I whispered.

I pour a few spoonfuls of berries into our hands. "_On the count of three?_" I ask, and he leans down and kisses me once, very gently.

We press our backs together, our empty hands locked tight. We hold up the berries to show the world. We'll die together if that's what it comes to. I don't think either of us could live having let the other die.

One

Two

Three

"_Stop! Stop! Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present the victors of the Seventy-fourth Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark! I give you - the tributes of District Twelve!_"

* * *

...Only, we hadn't stopped in time.

* * *

The first thing I'm aware of is the heaviness of my eyelids. No matter how hard I try, I can't get them to open. I try for what seems like hours, although I'm sure it's really only minutes. I moan in frustration.

"Afternoon, Sweetheart." I hear a voice say, and my hazy brain takes a moment to process the sound. It's Haymitch. Haymitch Abernathy.

The sound of his voice confuses me. I don't remember hearing it in such a long time. I try to think of the last time that I did. It was... it was... it was before the Games. The morning that I was sent into the arena. The Arena. Memories start flooding back. Rue... the cave, Cato, and...

"...Ughhhhh." is all I manage to get out. There's something in my throat. Something stopping me from talking. What I want to do is ask about Peeta. Sweet, sweet Peeta. We were supposed to have both won, but there was a change in the rules. I took the nightlock that he had collected earlier, and dispensed some to us both.

I can remember the sickeningly sweet taste they had as they burst on my tongue.

I take a moment to assess the situation. I'm in a bed, and my back is propped up slightly. I can feel thinks stuck to my skin. I hear a beeping noise, and i realize that it's beeping in tandem with my heart. The smell is clean, sterile.

I hear a door, and then footsteps. "Go get the doctor, she's waking up." It's Haymitch again, but I'm not sure who he's talking to. He still hasn't told me about Peeta, and it's frustrating that he hasn't and that whatever is in my throat is preventing me from asking.

I finally manage to open my eyes. Everything is blurry at first, but I can make a body standing near me. As my eyes start to come into focus, I can see that it's Haymitch. Tears are welling up in my eyes at the sight of him. It just so good to see someone I know outside of the arena. It means I've survived, but anything beyond that is up in the air until I find out what's happened to Peeta.

Haymitch comes and sits on the bed, and then leans down next to me. My eyes follow him the entire time, trying to decipher the look on his face. "_Listen up. You're in trouble. Word is the Capitol's furious about you showing them up in the arena. The one thing they can't stand is being laughed at and they're the joke of Panem. Your only defense can be you were so madly in love you weren't responsible for your actions._"

I nod once to show I understand. Haymitch sits back up and our eyes meet. I try to convey my question on Peeta's fate as best I can through my eyes, pleading for anything he can tell me. When he says nothing, I grab for his hand. I move his so that his palm is facing up and I use my index finger to draw a shaky "P" there.

Haymitch watches me do this a few times before a smirk breaks out on his face. "He's alive, Sweetheart. For now anyway. I'm working on keeping it that way."

What the hell does that mean?! Fresh tears form, and spill over. I can feel them running down my cheeks.

It's then that the doctor comes into the room. Haymitch rises from my side and winks at me before exiting the room.

* * *

It's a week before I'm able to leave the hospital. Once I woke up, they took the breathing tube out of my throat. It left my throat feeling sore, but I was finally able to start talking again, even if it was in just a whisper at first. I ask every nurse and doctor that comes into my room about Peeta, but they're all fairly tight lipped. The most I can get is a confirmation that he's still alive, but nothing else.

Haymitch comes to visit me a handful of times, each time looking worse than the last. I think back on his words the day that I woke up and suspect that whatever it is he's doing to keep Peeta alive is what's making him look so beat. His hair is disheveled and there's at least a weeks worth of facial hair on him now. His clothes, the same ones he was wearing the day I woke up, are wrinkled and in need of changing. He's very much in need of a bath.

On one particular visit from Haymitch, who has said next to nothing about the state of Peeta, turns on the television in my room. On the screen, I watch a report on the "State of the Victors".

In it, there is footage of me while I was still in what I now know was a nearly three week coma. Then Peeta is on the screen. He appears to be in the same condition that I was in. I know from Haymitch that I woke up before Peeta did. Peeta's still in a coma. While I only bit into the nightlock and swallowed some of the juices, Peeta managed to actually ingest some of the berries completely. He was in a lot worse shape than I had been.

I look to Haymitch, wanting to know why he's turned this on in the first place, when the screen captures my attention.

It's a shot of Peeta.

And he's awake.

I feel like a ton of coal has been lifted off my shoulders. The relief I feel is overwhelming. I can't even hear what the reporter is saying, I just keep watching as the video shows Peeta grabbing Haymitch's hand, squeezing it, and then as they remove the tube from his throat. Watching as he coughs at first, and then starts to breath on his own again.

I look over to Haymitch again as soon as the video ends. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly before rising from the chair in the corner of the room and leaving without a word.

I look back to the screen just as the reporter is confirming that both victors have survived and are expected to make a full recovery.

* * *

After leaving the hospital, I spend a few days back at the training center and then one morning, I wake to the sound of Effie Trinket's voice telling me what a big, big, big day I have ahead of me. Peeta's out of the hospital, and tonight, we do our post Games interview. For once I agree with Effie. This is a big, big, big day.

Cinna puts me in a simple yellow dress. I look like candlelight. It's by far the most beautiful thing Cinna has designed for me, and for the first time, I feel like the girl that I am. I look fourteen at most. Young, innocent. Not someone who won the Hunger Games.

While I'm excited for the interview, it isn't because we'll be leaving the Capitol and heading back to Twelve shortly after. It's because I'm finally going to get to see Peeta. My heart pounds in my chest at the thought.

It's minutes before we go on stage when I finally see him. I don't even realize that I'm running towards Peeta until I'm nearly leaping into his arms. He had been such a strong, study boy before the Games, but now my tiny frame manages to knock him off balance and we tumble to the floor. We just lay there, me on top of him, and cling to each other. Somewhere behind us I can hear Effie saying how highly inappropriate this is, and then an amused Haymitch telling her to pipe down.

I won't let go of him even when we walk on stage together. I have a tight grasp on his hand and when we sit down on the loveseat, I tuck my legs under myself and lean into Peeta who only pulls me closer to him. I'm only half listening while Caesar and Peeta talk, so when Caesar asks me a question, I have to ask him to repeat it.

The audience lets out a sigh, and I realize that it's because I must seem lovesick over this boy. I don't blame them for thinking that either. I've been fawning over him since we walked out on stage. Although, I wouldn't call it lovesick. It's releaf.

I don't think any of them know the details as they had been explained to me by Haymitch.

We'd both technically died in the arena.

There were a few day's where the Capitol doctors weren't sure if either of us would make it. They fought to save us both, but in reality, the Capitol only really needed one victor. They were going to wait for one of us to show signs that we would surely survive, and then dispose of the other.

But Haymitch put a stop to that. I wasn't sure how, and he didn't elaborate, but he'd gotten a camera in both our rooms. He needed to show the Capitol that we'd both survived, and when I woke up, he needed to make sure everyone knew Peeta was still alive, still fighting to come back to me.

And when Peeta did finally wake up, he needed the people of Panem to see that too.

We also needed to carry on our star crossed lovers act. I thought back to what Haymitch had told me when I'd first woken up from my comatose state. We'd angered the wrong people. We needed to make them believe that it wasn't an act of defiance. They'd let us both live for now, but I never doubted they could change their minds at any moment.

"It was when they announced that there could be two victors. _Up until that point, I just tried not to think about what my feelings might be, honestly, because it was so confusing and it only made things worse if I actually cared about him. But then, at the announcement, everything changed. It meant that.. for the first time... there was a chance I could keep him._"

I look back to Peeta, but not before catching a glance at Haymitch, and I can see the relief flood his face at my words.

"_So now that you've got me, what are you going to do with me?_" Peeta asks.

"_Put you somewhere you can't get hurt._" I tell him, and I find that those words weren't so hard to find. I feel different at those words. Strange.

Peeta smiles at my words and leans in to kiss me. And I feel it. That thing again. I felt it for a brief moment in the cave, and now it was back, but stronger. When he releases my lips I find my lips try to follow his before I realize what I'm doing and the audience lets out an "Awww." and quietly chuckles. I bury my face in Peeta's shoulder to hide my blush.

The interview wraps up shortly after this. Once off stage, we have time for quick goodbye's and then we're off to the train station to head home. I keep a tight grasp on Peeta's hand the entire time, only finally releasing him once we've boarded the train and it departs from the station.

An Avox shows us to our compartments. As soon as my door closes and I'm alone I let out a sob. I'm headed home. Home to Prim and my mother. Home to Gale and home to my woods. There was a time when I was sure I would never seen any of these things again, and I cherish them just a little more at that thought.

I quickly shower, making sure to thoroughly scrub all the makeup off my face. I change into a dark green shirt and pants, and put my hair in it's braid. I'm slowly starting to feel like myself again. There is a knock at my door just as I slip my shoes on and I find Peeta waiting for me on the other side, ready to escort me to dinner.

After, Haymitch, Effie, Peeta and I settle in front of the television to watch a rebroadcast of today's interview. Peeta rests and arm around me and I find it comforting. Even as we travel further and further from the Capitol and closer to home, the feelings that I thought would start to fade are just as strong as they were, if not stronger.

I assumed that once we were home and safe, away from the Capitol, the fierce protectiveness I felt for Peeta would fade. I could end the star-crossed lovers act and go back to being Katniss Everdeen, sister to Primrose Everdeen. Who hunts in the woods, and trades at the Hob.

A couple of hours into the trip home, the train stops to refuel. Peeta and use this opportunity to take a walk in a small nearby field while we wait. We hold hands as we wander around. He picks wildflowers and presents them to me. We head back towards the train when the attendants call for us, and are greeted by Haymitch just before we board.

"_Great job, you two. Just keep it up in the district until the cameras are gone. We should be okay._" he says, and then boards the train ahead of us.

Peeta looks to me. "_What's that mean?_"

"_It's the Capitol. They didn't like our stunt with the berries._" I tell him, and I wonder for the first time if Peeta knows how close he came to death. wonders if Peeta knows how close he came to death. I wonder if Haymitch has had a chance to tell him everything that happened to us after we ate the nightlock.

"_What? What are you talking about?_"

"_It seemed to rebellious. Haymitch warned me when I woke up, and coached me through a few things._"

"_Coached you? But not me._" he says, and I can see the hurt seeping into his eyes. I flinch at this, and look away.

"_He knew you were smart enough to get it right i guess._"

"_I didn't know there was anything to get right._" He pauses. "_So, what you're saying is, today, and then I guess... back in the arena... that was just some strategy you two worked out._"

"_No, I mean, I couldn't even talk to him in the arena, could I?_" I stammer.

"_But you knew what he wanted you to do, didn't you?_" he says, and I bite my lip. He drops my hand, and I nearly fall, taking a step towards him to catch my balance. "_It was all for the Games, how you acted._"

"_Not all of it._" I say without thinking, and it's then that I realize just how little of it was an act, and how basically none of it has been an act since I woke up in the hospital. But I'm not sure what it means. I don't know if I love him the way he loves me. I don't know that I'm capable of that. I definitely know that my feelings for him are different. They're something that I haven't felt before, but I don't know how to define them yet. Before I can even attempt to clarify any of this to him, he's walked away from me, and is boarding the train.

I don't see him for the rest of the trip back. It's not until they're getting ready to pull into the station that he emerges from his room. He doesn't look upset, but I can see it in his eyes. The emptiness. I'm suddenly so mad at myself for being the reason that the emptiness is there to begin with.

Effie instructs us to stand by a window and I watch as our district comes into view. "_One more time? For the audience?_" he asks, and his voice isn't angry, it's just hollow, like his eyes, which makes it worse. He's already slipping away from me.

I take his hand and I don't let go until I'm pulled from him by Prim.


	2. Chapter 2

The camera crews linger for weeks after we get home, and I have mixed emotions about this.

On the one hand, I get to spend time with Peeta. Not that I need the excuse of the camera crews to do that, but it makes it a lot easier. Since the day we returned, I've found myself evaluating our relationship. Wondering what it means to him, and trying to figure out what it means to me.

Prior to the Games, I didn't have the desire or the luxury to entertain these types of thoughts. Now I do have the luxury to do just that, but it's the desire that has me confused.

Back in the Capitol and in the arena, where I thought I would die, it didn't matter. I was doing what I had to do to stay alive, and then to keep us both alive. But the lines of where that act ended and my real feelings began was blurred.

I wanted to tell Peeta how unfair he had been, was being. After everything we'd been through, how could he even want the kind of love that lead to marriage, or children? I had seen first hand what that kind of love could do to a person, and because of that, I had wanted none of it.

But I don't tell him any of this. The truth of it is, I'm not sure anymore how much of this is an act and how much isn't. I find that loving him in front of the cameras is as easy as breathing.

It's when the camera crews are gone that I struggle. Peeta will hardly look at me when they're not around, and you can forget talking to him. I've managed to hurt him so badly and I know exactly what I need to do to make it right, but I can't bring myself to do it. Doing it could potentially open me up to be in a position that my mother was in, and I will never go there. I just can't risk becoming that person. I've been destroyed enough, I want no more of it.

I do try, a few times, to explain this to Peeta. They're pitifull, but it's more than I would have done prior to the Games. I manage to make it to his door a few times, but turn and go back to my own home before knocking. Once, after a photoshoot in Peetas kitchen, I try to talk to him about everything I've been feeling and thinking. It's my first moment alone with him since our return.

I grab his arm as he turns to leave the kitchen and he stops, his eyes meeting mine and for a second, I can see that he's let his guard down, if only briefly. I see hope there, for just a split second, and it throws me off guard. Normally in front of the cameras, his face tells one of love and joy and happiness and contentment, but his eyes, are either blank or showing just the slightest hint of hurt.

"Peeta I..." is all I managed to get out at first. "I just want to tell you..." I'm no good with words, and I can see that I'm losing him. "I miss you." I manage to finally squeak out.

He watches my face for a moment before I see his mask reappear, and any semblance of the boy I once knew is gone again. "You see me almost every day." he says and turns away from me.

We both know his statement isn't true. I don't see Peeta every day, at least, not the real Peeta. What myself and the camera crews get is some twisted version of the Peeta who loved me. The boy he was before and during the Hunger Games. I know that in a lot of ways, that boy is gone now. He doesn't see his family very much anymore. I never see any of the friends he once had come over, or him go to spend time with them. Not that we have much free time, but what little we do have, I know he spends alone. He's not the friendly, outgoing, loving boy he once was. We may have never spoken before the Games, but I know Peeta isn't that same boy anymore.

I want to tell him that, that I don't get to see him every day. I get some shell of who he used to be, but again, once the camera's are gone, and I attempt a real conversation with Peeta, I lose my voice, and never am able to tell him what I'm really thinking.

He's standing at the edge of the kitchen still, like he's waiting for me to respond, but after a few minutes of me just standing there, not saying anything back to him, he nods to himself and leaves the room.

* * *

I wait for a full week to pass with no interruptions from the Capitol and their media before I feel safe enough to venture out into my woods. It's a Sunday morning. I haven't seen Gale since I returned and I'm anxious to see him again. I need to feel some sense of normalcy in what has been a very unnatural time for me. It's still dark out when I leave, and I notice that Peeta's kitchen light is on as I make my way out my front door and down the road leading out of the Victors Village. I wonder what he's up to, if he's still keeping his bakers hours even though he's not working at the bakery anymore. I pause on the street outside his house and watch for a few minutes, contemplating going to his door to check on him, but I decide against it.

Before I do that, I need to clear my head, and the best place to do that is in the woods. I continue on my path out of the Victors Village, through town then the outskirts of the Seam, making my way to the fence that surrounds our district.

I'm focused on my destination and before I know it I've picked up my bow and quiver and I'm sitting and waiting for Gale at our usual meeting spot. I made sure to wake early, so that I would be sure to be at this point before Gale would. I didn't want to risk missing him this morning.

I suspect that I wait around an hour before I hear him approaching. The sun is just starting to break over the horizon, casting everything in that soft morning light. He stops when he see's me and we watch each other for a moment before either of us moves. I chance a small smile at him and at this he takes a couple long strides towards me and embraces me in such a strong hold that I'm surprised he hasn't broken any bones.

"I missed you Catnip." he whispers in my ear and I smile again, this time at the familiar nickname. It's a small thing, but it makes me feel so much more like myself. Even after everything that I've been through, that I've seen, just hearing him call me Catnip allows me to release a bit of tension I didn't realize I was holding.

"I missed you Gale." I say in return, and give him one final squeeze before we release each other.

This is what I like about Gale. We don't have to talk. He doesn't expect me to. He can read me like an open book and I sense that he knows just being out here, hunting, in silence, like we used to, is exactly what I need right now. So that's what we do. I let him lead the way. He visits the traps that he set the last time he was here, taking in his haul. I offer to carry his hunting bag for him along the way. Normally I would have been focused on my own hunt, but it's no longer a necessity for me like it had been before. I do still hunt with him however. I manage a few squirrels and a turkey, stuffing them in Gale's hunting bag. I'm sure he'll fight me on it the moment we got the Hob but there's no way I'm taking anything that comes out of today's catch.

We take a break about halfway through our morning and I pull out the bread and cheese I brought with me. It's more than enough for us both. I contemplated bringing something more substantial, but I knew Gale would see it as charity and refuse. I figured if I brought us a simple meal, he might not fight me as hard when it came to the game haul at the end of the day.

Of course, the second that Gale decides to strike up conversation, it's on the one topic that I don't really want to discuss with him.

"Loverboy isn't upset you're spending the morning with me?" he asks, and I can't quite read his tone. It's not like any I've heard from him before.

I roll my eyes and shove his shoulder with my own. "Gale..."

"Are you with him now?" he asks, cutting me off.

I look over at him, but he's just staring off into the woods, picking at the roll in his hands. "I am when I need to be. For the Capitol." I answer, because there really is nothing left between Peeta and I otherwise, much to my dismay. I sigh and decide that if I'm going to open up to anyone about this, Gale is going to be that person. He's my best friend, and my most trusted confidant. "He hates me now." I whisper. Saying what I fear to be true out loud causes tears to well up in my eyes.

"I don't think that's possible." he whispers back and I'm suddenly very uncomfortable sitting here with Gale. He looks at me, and I see what's coming next, but do nothing to stop it. This is the last thing that I wanted this morning, because it is as far from my normal with Gale as we could get. I just wanted normal, and I'm realizing as his hand comes up to cup my cheek and his face closes in on mine, the way he pauses when our mouths are inches apart, and then the way his lips crash into mine, that I'll never have normal again. No matter how hard I try to cling to the girl that I was, that's gone now.

I halfheartedly kiss him back, I'm mostly just going through the motions of it. He pulls away from me and I can see in his eyes that he can tell that this moment is a far cry from whatever he had expected it to be.

He stands up and then offers me his hand, helping me to my feet. What I don't expect is for him to embrace me again, like we had when we first reunited this morning. His mouth is close to my ear and I hear him tell me "I had to do that, just once. I had to make sure you knew."

In all honesty, I did. I've known for quite some time. If there was ever a chance that I was going to end up with someone, Gale would have been it. Key word, would have.

"Gale I..."

"I know. Please, just... don't say it. I don't know if I'm ready to hear it yet. I doubt you're really ready to say it, and you probably don't realize it's true yet. I know how you are." he says and smiles, albeit, sadly. But I nod, because he's right.

"I should probably head back." I tell him, picking up and handing over the today's game. I don't feel much for going to the Hob with him anymore. I've got another destination in mind. One much more important.

I approach Gale once more, standing on my tiptoes and place a quick kiss on his cheek before turning and jogging back out the way that I came.

* * *

I should probably go to my home first; shower and change out of my hunting gear, but I'm determined, and I've finally got the nerve to do what I should have done weeks ago, and I don't want to risk losing that.

Peeta answers his door on my second knock. "Katniss?" he greets. It's obvious that now that the Capitol is gone, he wasn't expecting to see me again until the Victory Tour.

I'm a little breathless from running. As soon as I had gotten out of sight from Gale, I found myself picking up speed. I was no longer jogging, I was running. And by the time I was in the Seam, headed towards town and then the Victors Village, I was in a full blown sprint. "Hi." I breath out, trying desperately to catch my breath. "Water?" I ask, leaning over and placing my hands on my knees as I breath deeply, trying to calm down.

"Oh, um yeah. Of course. Please, come in." he says, and moves from the door, giving me room to enter. He shuts the door behind me and we head to the kitchen. "Have you been running? Is everything okay?" he asks as he fills a glass from the tap. He hands it to me and I nod before downing half the glass in a few big gulps.

I set the glass down on the counter next to me and look at Peeta. He wasn't expecting me, and my visit has thrown him off. The guard that he's had up for the last few weeks is non existent right now.

So of course, I say the stupidest thing. "Gale kissed me today."

Peeta's brow furrows while he stares at me, and then he does the last thing I expected. He laughs. I good, hearty, belly laugh. I'm instantly scowling at him.

"I don't see what's so funny about that." My irritation only seems to add fuel to the fire, and he's laughing even harder.

It takes him a few minutes to calm himself, and when he does he asks me if I ran all the way over just to tell him that.

"No. I don't know why that was the first thing I said. That wasn't what I was planning to say..." I huff in frustration. "I... I miss you Peeta. You said before that we see each other all the time, but that's not true. You see me, but I don't see you, not the real you."

Peeta is obviously thrown off by my words. I'm guessing he didn't realize I could read him as well as I found that I could.

"Look. I'm not usually very good at talking. So I'm just going to say what I need to say, and then I'll leave." I take a deep breath. Here it goes. "I don't love you. Not like you loved me. But... I do care about you. Different than I've cared about anyone before. I don't feel about Gale the same way that I feel about you. I don't know what to call it, and I'm not sure what will come of it. But I just wanted to let you know that part. I don't want you to hate me either, and I'm sorry that I did that to you."

He's as red as a flame right now. "Katniss..." he mutters, looking down and rubbing his hand across the back of his neck.

But I'm not done, and I'll be damned if I don't finish now. "It wasn't all an act, these past few weeks. But I think that you're being a little unfair in this situation. After what we've been through, how could you possibly want the kind of love that leads to marriage and children? I never wanted those things in the past. You know what happened to my mother. The thought of putting myself in that same position terrifies me." I have to avert my eyes from him. I'd managed to watch him this entire time, but at these last words, he looks ashamed and a little heartbroken, and I hate that I'm doing this to him, but I need to make sure we're on the same page.

"But that doesn't mean that I don't want you in my life. Can we... I mean... what I would like is to be friends with you Peeta. I don't know if I'm capable of anything past that, or what I'm willing to compromise on. But if I find that I could some day give more, I'd very much like that person to be you."

I'm nodding at the end of my speech. Affirming that yes, this is what I wanted to say, and I've said it, and it's right, and now things are up to him.

He stands there for a moment, and I can see him as he's processing the words I've said. He finally looks up to me and smiles, extending his hand. "Friends?" he asks.

I smile back and take his hand in both of mine, squeezing his, not wanting too let go. "Friends." I agree.


	3. Chapter 3

Over the next few months, I work on building a legitimate friendship with Peeta. It starts off with small things. Two or three times a week we have breakfast together at his house. I'm not hunting as often as I used to, but I still find myself getting up early out of habit. Peeta also seems stuck in the same routine from his life before the Games.

The first time it happened I was leaving to go hunting. I hadn't planned on going out to the woods, but I wasn't sleeping much due to a brand new set of nightmares courtesy of the Games. I stepped out of my house and noticed that the lights were on already over at Peeta's. At first I ignored this, and continued on my way out of Victors Village. I was halfway through town when I stopped. I found myself in front of the Mellark's Bakery. None of the lights appeared to be on, probably a little too early for them still.

I thought of Peeta then, alone in his house. His family hadn't made the move with him to his Victors Village house like my mother and sister had. He was living there alone. I had a hard enough time dealing with the nightmares when I had my mother and Prim there to pull me out of them when I eventually ended up screaming and waking them up. I could only imagine what Peeta was going through. I wondered if he would get stuck in his nightmares like I did.

I turned on my heel and headed back towards Peeta's house.

"Morning." he greeted when I knocked on his door. He didn't take long to answer, which tells me that I was right, and he had been up, and hadn't just left his lights on overnight. I immediately noticed the bags under his eyes. I'm sure they matched my own.

"Morning friend." I greeted back. "Busy?"

He smiled at the friend remark, "Not really."

"Good." I smiled back.

He lets me in and we shuffle around the kitchen awkwardly for a few minutes before he finally suggests breakfast. He then insists that I sit at the table while he cooks. A comfortable silence descends over the kitchen as I watch him whip up what appears to be cinnamon buns. Once they're in the oven, he joins me at the table.

"I'm surprised you're up so early."

"I could say the same." I tell him. "I was actually headed out to the woods."

"But you came back here to see if I was awake?"

"I saw your lights on when I left..."

"Yeah, bakers hours." he says, and looks away. He's just lied to me. This won't do.

I look away from him, waiting a few moments before I speak again. "I have them too.. the nightmares." I clear my throat. "It's why I was up."

I chance a glance back at him and I can see him visibly relax. It brings a smirk to my face. Did he think he was alone in his nightmares? I'm sure every victor has had them. How could they not? I have a new understanding of Haymitch. If I was alone with all this, I'm not sure my future would be far off from his.

"Well don't seem so relieved." I tease. "They're awful."

I see his cheeks redden as he looks back to me. "No, thats not what I..." he stops and snorts. "I just realized, I can talk to you about this, can't I? I thought about telling my dad but..."

"But he wouldn't understand. Not completely. And why would you want anyone to hear about the horrible things you see when you close your eyes?"

He nods. "Exactly."

That morning, we decided to make it a habit to have breakfast together every other morning except for Sunday's. Sunday morning was spent with Gale in the woods. The breakfasts started off small at first. Something quick and simple that Peeta would throw together.

After the first week, I started bringing over things in the morning. I would bring juice for us. Or supply the eggs or bacon for that morning's meal. Peeta always had a fresh loaf of bread for us and it was always different.

This was also where our friendship grew. I was starting to look forward to those mornings more than going to the woods. I truly cherished the time that I was spending with Peeta. It was different than the time that I had spent with Gale, but it was the same. Gale's and my friendship had grown from the loss of our fathers. We understood each other because of that. Our need to survive and care for our families at such a young age was our common ground. And while his companionship was nice, and working as a team did bring us in a better haul, I didn't need him. I wanted him there with me, but he wasn't a necessity for my survival.

With Peeta, I didn't exactly need him either, but he understood me now in a completely different way than Gale did. While I didn't need him, I wasn't sure what kind of person I would be without him. He was keeping me sane. Sure, I had my mother and Prim. I even had Haymitch if it came down to it. But what I wanted really was someone who understood exactly what I had been through, and was sober. The horrors that we sometimes found ourselves talking about were not for the ears of Prim. My mother would listen to me if I asked, sure. But it wouldn't be the same level of understanding that I get from Peeta. I could always go and sit with Haymitch, learn his style of coping. But it wasn't what I wanted if I could avoid it at all.

It wasn't like the Games or our nightmares was all we talked about. In fact, they hardly came up. But with the dramatic change to our lives, our sometimes downtrodden attitudes, mood shifts, and just plain exhaustion, we could read and adapt to each other like no one else. Even if we were nothing more than friends the rest of our lives, I was sure that we would truly be friends until the end. No one would ever understand us like we understood each other.

* * *

"Was that the only time you've kissed Gale?" I look up from my plate, surprised at Peeta's choice of morning conversation, nearly choking on the bite of eggs I'd just taken a bite of.

Once I'd stopped coughing and swallowed what I'd had in my mouth, I looked up at Peeta, cocking an eyebrow at him. "Yeah..."

"Sorry. It's none of my business."

"You're right, it's not..."

"But I just had to know. I was thinking the other day..."

"About Gale and I kissing?" I smiled at him

"Yes. I think about it often actually. You're so pretty, and well, Gale, he's so ruggedly handsome, and the thought of you two, well..." he smiled back at me and I tossed my napkin at him. "No, really, I wasn't trying to be nosy. I was just thinking the other day that I had probably interrupted something between the two of you. I wasn't sure going in to the Games if you and him were dating, and I figured that even if you were, I was going to die anyway, and so I had to let you know... Well, you know the rest." he finished and shrugged his shoulders.

I didn't answer him right away. It really wasn't any of his business. Friend or more, whatever happened before Peeta was in the past, and I didn't see any reason in rehashing what did or didn't happen between Gale and I. It was in the past, and it should stay there.

But it was obvious that he felt guilty about something. Like he had said, he wasn't sure what Gale and I were before the Games, and if with everything that's happened, I'd had to break things off with Gale to carry on with Peeta.

"We weren't a couple. Our... current situation, it didn't put an end to anything between me and Gale. And that was the only time we've kissed. And I'd like to note that he kissed me, not the other way around."

Peeta nods at this. "You're sure? I know that we had to keep things up for the Capitol, and I know that I kind of sprung things on you, and you got forced into a situation that you didn't necessarily want to be in. That was never my intention. I just want to make sure that you know, if things between you and Gale have changed, I just hope that I'm not holding you back from anything."

"Okay." I say, not sure what else I want to say back. I look down at my hands in my lap, trying to think of what to say next. This topic isn't something that's come up before. After the day I showed up and talked my head off to him about my feelings about him and our situation, we never really discussed it further. We've just been happy being friends. We haven't talked about what would happen when we go on the Victory Tour or after that. What would happen next year when we go back to the Capitol to mentor for the first time.

When I look back up at him, his emotions are written all over his face. A few months ago, I'm not sure I would have been able to read them, or even cared to. But now, I can see that he's taken my answer as sounding like I was going to give things a shot with Gale.

"What I mean is, there wasn't anything before with Gale. I didn't notice, or maybe I did and just chose to ignore it, but things between me and Gale were a bit one sided. More on his side. I never thought about him that way, and I still don't."

He nods again, and then tosses my napkin back at me. We share a smile before we go back to finishing our breakfast.

* * *

In my nightmares, I'm back in the hospital in the Capitol. It's always the same. I'm standing in the doorway to a room that has both Peeta and myself in it. Even though this wasn't how we had been set up in the hospital, it's how my dream is. Our beds are next to each other, and we both are still in our comas. I can see Haymitch sitting vigil over us. He's looking ragged and beat. He's clearly gone days without bathing or changing his clothes. He sits in a chair between our beds and I wonder how long he's been there. When I see Peeta, he looks like an angel. Even with all the equipment hooked up to him, the tubes going into his arms, the wires hooked up to his chest, and the breathing tube coming out of his mouth.

"Sweetheart, you gotta wake up for me." Haymitch says.

"I am awake. I'm right here!" I say, but he doesn't turn around to look at me. Instead, he grabs the hand of the me thats lying comatose in the hospital.

"We can't save him. He was too far gone." He whispers, and I can just barely make it out.

"Yes you can, he's right there, he's alive." I say, and I start crying.

Haymitch rises from his chair as a doctor comes in behind me. They seem to pass right through me as they come through the door and walk to Peeta's side of the room.

I watch as the doctor starts to turn off the machines connected to Peeta. I scream at them to stop. He's still alive. They're keeping him alive. They have saved him. They just have to give him time, and he'll wake up. He will. "Please! Please don't do this!"

But then all the machines are off. I see Haymitch take Peeta's hand. I move to stand in front of him, willing him to just see me. Notice me, hear me, anything. "Don't let them do this! You're giving up! Don't give up Haymitch. You stupid drunk! Plug those things back in! Save him! Please! Don't let him die like this Haymitch!"

I run around to where the doctor has just been and I try desperately to plug the machines back in, but I can' seem to grab hold of anything. In the meantime, the doctor has removed the tube from Peeta's throat. I watch his chest for the automatic rise and fall of it, a sign that he's breathing, but there's no movement. The constant beeping of the monitors, the sign that his heart was beating, that blood was flowing through his veins, keeping him alive, they start to falter.

His breath never comes, and eventually, the beeping fades to nothing.

And I can do nothing but stand there, screaming, crying, begging someone to help him. Not to let my Peeta die...

"Katniss!"

I sit up abruptly, pulled from my nightmare. Peeta is next to me, his face wracked with concern and relief. I grab hold of him as tight as I can. I'm sobbing so hard I can hardly breathe.

"You died. I couldn't save you. I tried. I always try." I cry into his shoulder. I can feel one of his hands rubbing soothingly up and down my back.

"I'm okay Katniss, I'm okay. I'm here. You did save me. You saved us both." he whispers.

He holds me while I cry myself out on his shoulder. When my tears have dried up I take note of my surroundings. I'm at Peeta's. We're in his living room. I take a few deep breaths, finally calming down enough to pull away from him. I notice one of the table lamps is on. I look towards the window and find that it's dark outside.

I had come over that afternoon. It hadn't been one of our usual breakfast mornings, but I had come over to ask Peeta if he would help me add some things to my family's plant book. I had found out that he liked to draw and paint, and I had asked if he could draw some things for me if I could describe them to him.

He had agreed, and we'd spent the afternoon in his living room. Me adding new entries, and Peeta drawing up the things I was describing to him. At some point, we had taken a break and turned on the television. There was a baking show Peeta had discovered and he wanted to show it to me.

I wasn't aware of falling asleep at all, but apparently I had. I guess I wasn't surprised by it. I was sleeping so little. It was normally wracked with nightmares. I hadn't gotten a decent nights sleep since we had gotten back.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, and I shook my head.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep." I said, sniffling as I gained back my composure.

"Don't be sorry. I didn't want to wake you. I know how precious sleep is nowadays." He pauses for a moment before he continues. "You started to move around, and I was worried you'd roll right off the couch. And then you were crying and I tried to wake you up, but you wouldn't at first."

"It's okay. My mom and Prim have a hard time getting me to wake up too."

"Are they always that bad?" he asks and I nod. If it's not the nightmare of Peeta and me in the hospital, it's of Rue, or of Cato and the mutts. They're always bad.

"Mine too."

"You don't have anyone to wake you up." I say without thinking. I flinch as soon as the words are out of my mouth.

He sees, but just shakes his head. "It's okay. I don't react like you do. I just wake up really tense. And I'm fine once I know you're okay."

I nod and sit up straight on the couch. I must have leaned over on Peeta when I fell asleep. I was practically on top of him when I woke up but I'd been so upset, I hadn't noticed until after I'd calmed down.

I get up and tell him I should probably be heading home. He agrees and walks me to the door. We say our goodbyes and hug before I make my way down the steps of his front porch. I turn one last time to waive good night when Peeta speaks up.

"Katniss. You're welcome here any time. Any time. If you need to talk and it's the middle of the night, or if you just want the company of someone who understands, I'm here for you."

I smile at him. "Same here Peeta. Any time."


End file.
